So… I have a story. Below is the entire truth, without bias and exaggeration.
I get a call from my ex, informing me that my daughter is a ‘bitch’ and that there’s no way she (my ex) is taking her (my daughter) to dinner and concert for her birthday.
BUT, the tickets are bought and the only way she’s going is if I take her.
Almost like a punishment, the words “the only way you’re going is if your dad takes you” looms over my daughter.
I agree to take her, and take her for a nice dinner… it’s her birthday and I’m looking forward to some quality time and “earplug memories” of a popular concert.
So my ex is harping on my daughter all day, belittling my offering to take my daughter to the concert, and essentially still bitching about her ungrateful daughter… all the while, making out that going to a concert with her dad is a terrible experience in the making.
I’m trying to stay above all this when I pick my daughter up and actually admonish her for giving her mom a hard time.
Trying to keep discipline consistent, while not attacking my ex is tough.. but I try… it’s the right thing to do.
At this point let’s back up to talk a little about me and my situation.
Been divorced for almost 2 years, found myself a really nice girlfriend out of town, somewhere far enough away we text / chat often, but near enough we have time and opportunity to meet up in real life every month or so. So me and this girl have been texting back and forward earlier in the day… I left off with a ‘going out with my daughter, getting a tan by the pool before I go…” text.
This will become relevant in a bit, I promise.
Flash forward to the drive to the concert in downtown LA, I’m making small talk with my daughter – I’m one of those dads that doesn’t have a super great patter with my kids unless they’re in the mood for a chat, which is funny, as I’m neither shy or short on small talk – when she asks if she could listen to music on my phone.
Another aside here. My daughter has one of those ‘almost indestructible’ iPhone cases that won’t allow the mini jack plug to fit in without removing the case. My daughter has often borrowed my phone to listen to music in my car via the mini jack cable. This wasn’t the first time she asked…
I said “Can you not take your phone out of it’s case?”
She said it was easier just to use my phone, so I switched it to music (I know, I shouldn’t interact with my phone while driving) and handed it back to her (she was in the back seat.)
She plugged in and we listened to some music on the way… switching to Karaoke Ap and YouTube as her whim dictated.
And then we arrived in Downtown to park, and her demeanor had changed noticeably.
I shrugged it off, continued to be “nice dad”, walking her to a number of eating establishments, – we were early for the steak house where we had made reservations – but ended up eating at the steakhouse where we had made the reservations.. everything else had far too long a wait.
My daughter is still acting strange-ish but I’m chalking that up to night out with dad jitters and excitement for the evening’s concert.
Then I get a call. It’s my ex.
There’s no pretext just a diatribe of hate and rapid fire vitriol… “I can’t believe you’d do that to your daughter” “I’m coming there now” “You’re a sick man” “You’re horrible” “You’ve upset your daughter” “what kind of dad are you?”
Apparently. My daughter has read through a few pages of my texts (whilst borrowing my phone to listen to music) and has taken screenshots of some and sent to my ex.
The texts are not explicit in anyway, but are long-distance-lover private texts that contain playful innuendos and chatter.
But my daughter read them (flipping through a few pages) and has sent them to my ex. Who grasps these with rabid excitement, an opportunity to slam me, kick me, attack me, wrestle a father-daughter evening from me… and all with the assistance of my daughter. Argh.
It’s this kind of control, of need to demonstrate affinity for acceptance that drove my daughter’s actions, there are so many other options she has, so many reasons *not* to read, share and participate in her dad’s discomforting and unworthy tongue-lashing, there appears only this ‘affinity’ argument of why she would do it. Why she would seek her mother’s love over mine, why she would willingly diminish our relationship as an excuse to bolster her and her mothers.
It took over 3 months before she spoke to me again. After her mom drove to the city to take her to the concert, where I was uncomfortably standing outside waiting for a her (a 45 minute drive away), and where I tolerated another 15 mins of verbal bashing about how I was a monster, how my ex knew I was ‘like this’, with no amount of explanation, of assignment of blame would be accepted.
I had trusted my daughter, And I had laid groundwork where that trust was easily pushed aside in favor of regaining trust with my ex.
An ex who had me take my daughter to a conference because she was (according to my ex) a ‘bitch’ and was luck to be going at all.
This kind of psychological mind game of blame, of hurt, of accusation and dismissal encapsulates a lot of my post divorce interactions. My ex is a master manipulator of truth and reality whereby even I begin to question what is truly right and wrong.
Was I right to be texting back and forth with my girlfriend?
Was I right to leave them on my phone?
And then, was I right to let my daughter use my phone?
Were my expectations too unfair, that my daughter would not see or read my texts?
Was my ex correct in saying I was sexting and upsetting my daughter by showing her the texts?
I’ve given up on logic. The deteriorating relationship with my daughter continues, fueled by her mom.
🙁
